Right. So...
It's been a few weeks. Price was down all this past week, and trying to find ways to keep myself occupied was one of the hardest things I had to do. I've come to the conclusion that if I don't have something to work on constantly, I end up spending most of my time doing nothing. There was one point during the week that I spent close to a good hour staring at my ceiling fan. That was quite a waste of my time.
So I've been using the time to work on myself. Specifically, I spent some time working on my game show ideas and my OkCupid profile.
The ideas are going well, but my main problem is that, often, I will lose interest in working on them. It's not because I don't think they are good (cause I think they are), and it's not because I think it's to much work (cause I actually take pleasure in working on them). It's because I'm always afraid that people will not be interested in them. I have this problem where I'll announce a game idea, and the support from my friends will be, at best, a few people. That never sits well with me, cause I feel like "what's the point of doing it if no one is going to play it?" It is a mentality that I am working on, but it is not easy to do.
My OkCupid profile is always a changing animal. I've been on it for nearly 5 years, and in that time, I've talked to, at most, 10 people, and ended up meeting 2 of them. Of those 2, one of them I still talk to cause we have developed a good friendship. I ended up deciding to move to LA about a month before we started hanging out. Would we have dated had I stayed? I would say probably not, and that's because I wasn't totally attracted to her. As a friend, she is very nice (which many people would read as "ugly", but this is not the case at all) and we totally mesh. But I didn't see it going any farther than that (though it was fairly obvious to me that she liked me a lot).
Which brings me to this thought I had during the week. Of the 2 long-term relationships that I've had, in both cases, my girlfriend ended up falling in love with me, but I didn't reciprocate the feeling. At the time, I didn't think too much of it. But now that I'm a bit older, I'm beginning to wonder if I am actually capable of loving someone. There was one point in my life where I thought I was in love, and this feeling lasted for quite some time. But upon further reflection, I realized that it wasn't "love" that I was feeling for this person but "longing", which is a quite different emotion. I longed to be with her, even though I knew that it would never work out, no matter how much I wanted it to. I don't think she ever found out, and I'm not sure if I would ever tell her.
The overall point was this: I was trying to figure out if I ever will find that one. Maybe not now at this point in my life, but eventually. It scares me a little bit that so many of my friends are either engaged or already married. A good number of them have moved in together, some of who had only been together for a few weeks. But what about me? When does my time come? Is it true that it comes when you are not looking for it, and if so, how do you not look for it? Something to think about.
Some friend from my former workplace, TOMB, send me a link to an episode of a reality kids game show called FETCH! With Ruff Ruffman. FETCH! was a Boston produced show that aired on PBS for 5 seasons. I have the privilege of interning there for one season, and then being featured in an episode for a future season. I had completely forgotten that I had done that, and it was great to watch it. They posted it online on their website, and I have linked it here (Season 5, Episode 513). Sometime in the next few posts, I'll write a detailed account of how it was to tape it. It was a great time.
Oh, and before I forget, my favorite game series (and a primary influence to why I want to work in game shows) You Don't Know Jack, makes it triumphant return on Feb 8. I can't wait.
The nightmares I have when I sleep are increasingly getting much worse. I don't know why, but I am beginning to think that if something is not done soon, I may start to not sleep. And I can't afford to do that.
I can't think of anything else to write right now. But at least I have double the number of subscribers to this blog...
Peace Out.
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