I'm in one of those moods again.
It's the mood where I say up real late, alone in my room, headphones on, listening to the same few songs over and over again. It's the mood where I lay in my room reading posts on Love Give Me Hope. It's the mood where I'm just thinking.
I'm thinking about my life: where it was before, where it is now, and where it's going to go. I'm wondering if I will ever be in a truly blissful state of being, because right now I'm not feeling too highly of myself.
I'm not a cutter. I thought about it once, but decided that it wasn't my style: physical pain isn't really up my alley. I don't down pills. That takes a lot of effort on my part because I have trouble swallowing pills in the first place. I don't drink myself silly. The hangovers the next day are not pleasant, and it's quite an expensive habit to keep up.
When I am depressed, I shut down. I don't eat much. I don't drink much. I don't do much of anything really. Staying in my room alone, usually in bed, is what I do best. I don't talk to my roommates or much anyone else because I figure "they don't understand. Besides, if they knew anything was wrong, they would have said something". If I do talk to people, it's a select few, and even then, I don't say much about my state. I won't lie to them and say that everything is "super fantastic" or that "nothing is wrong, everything is fine". I used to do that. Now I don't see what the point of that is because they'll continue to ask if everything is ok. Instead I just tell them that I'm just "alright". If any further prodding comes from them, I quickly make the choice as to if I will divulge more or not. It depends on the person.
So I would say that if you are reading this right now, the answer is "I'm not doing too well, but thanks for asking. How are you?"
Peace Out.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Boredom Breeds... Something
Right. So...
It's been a few weeks. Price was down all this past week, and trying to find ways to keep myself occupied was one of the hardest things I had to do. I've come to the conclusion that if I don't have something to work on constantly, I end up spending most of my time doing nothing. There was one point during the week that I spent close to a good hour staring at my ceiling fan. That was quite a waste of my time.
So I've been using the time to work on myself. Specifically, I spent some time working on my game show ideas and my OkCupid profile.
The ideas are going well, but my main problem is that, often, I will lose interest in working on them. It's not because I don't think they are good (cause I think they are), and it's not because I think it's to much work (cause I actually take pleasure in working on them). It's because I'm always afraid that people will not be interested in them. I have this problem where I'll announce a game idea, and the support from my friends will be, at best, a few people. That never sits well with me, cause I feel like "what's the point of doing it if no one is going to play it?" It is a mentality that I am working on, but it is not easy to do.
My OkCupid profile is always a changing animal. I've been on it for nearly 5 years, and in that time, I've talked to, at most, 10 people, and ended up meeting 2 of them. Of those 2, one of them I still talk to cause we have developed a good friendship. I ended up deciding to move to LA about a month before we started hanging out. Would we have dated had I stayed? I would say probably not, and that's because I wasn't totally attracted to her. As a friend, she is very nice (which many people would read as "ugly", but this is not the case at all) and we totally mesh. But I didn't see it going any farther than that (though it was fairly obvious to me that she liked me a lot).
Which brings me to this thought I had during the week. Of the 2 long-term relationships that I've had, in both cases, my girlfriend ended up falling in love with me, but I didn't reciprocate the feeling. At the time, I didn't think too much of it. But now that I'm a bit older, I'm beginning to wonder if I am actually capable of loving someone. There was one point in my life where I thought I was in love, and this feeling lasted for quite some time. But upon further reflection, I realized that it wasn't "love" that I was feeling for this person but "longing", which is a quite different emotion. I longed to be with her, even though I knew that it would never work out, no matter how much I wanted it to. I don't think she ever found out, and I'm not sure if I would ever tell her.
The overall point was this: I was trying to figure out if I ever will find that one. Maybe not now at this point in my life, but eventually. It scares me a little bit that so many of my friends are either engaged or already married. A good number of them have moved in together, some of who had only been together for a few weeks. But what about me? When does my time come? Is it true that it comes when you are not looking for it, and if so, how do you not look for it? Something to think about.
Some friend from my former workplace, TOMB, send me a link to an episode of a reality kids game show called FETCH! With Ruff Ruffman. FETCH! was a Boston produced show that aired on PBS for 5 seasons. I have the privilege of interning there for one season, and then being featured in an episode for a future season. I had completely forgotten that I had done that, and it was great to watch it. They posted it online on their website, and I have linked it here (Season 5, Episode 513). Sometime in the next few posts, I'll write a detailed account of how it was to tape it. It was a great time.
Oh, and before I forget, my favorite game series (and a primary influence to why I want to work in game shows) You Don't Know Jack, makes it triumphant return on Feb 8. I can't wait.
The nightmares I have when I sleep are increasingly getting much worse. I don't know why, but I am beginning to think that if something is not done soon, I may start to not sleep. And I can't afford to do that.
I can't think of anything else to write right now. But at least I have double the number of subscribers to this blog...
Peace Out.
It's been a few weeks. Price was down all this past week, and trying to find ways to keep myself occupied was one of the hardest things I had to do. I've come to the conclusion that if I don't have something to work on constantly, I end up spending most of my time doing nothing. There was one point during the week that I spent close to a good hour staring at my ceiling fan. That was quite a waste of my time.
So I've been using the time to work on myself. Specifically, I spent some time working on my game show ideas and my OkCupid profile.
The ideas are going well, but my main problem is that, often, I will lose interest in working on them. It's not because I don't think they are good (cause I think they are), and it's not because I think it's to much work (cause I actually take pleasure in working on them). It's because I'm always afraid that people will not be interested in them. I have this problem where I'll announce a game idea, and the support from my friends will be, at best, a few people. That never sits well with me, cause I feel like "what's the point of doing it if no one is going to play it?" It is a mentality that I am working on, but it is not easy to do.
My OkCupid profile is always a changing animal. I've been on it for nearly 5 years, and in that time, I've talked to, at most, 10 people, and ended up meeting 2 of them. Of those 2, one of them I still talk to cause we have developed a good friendship. I ended up deciding to move to LA about a month before we started hanging out. Would we have dated had I stayed? I would say probably not, and that's because I wasn't totally attracted to her. As a friend, she is very nice (which many people would read as "ugly", but this is not the case at all) and we totally mesh. But I didn't see it going any farther than that (though it was fairly obvious to me that she liked me a lot).
Which brings me to this thought I had during the week. Of the 2 long-term relationships that I've had, in both cases, my girlfriend ended up falling in love with me, but I didn't reciprocate the feeling. At the time, I didn't think too much of it. But now that I'm a bit older, I'm beginning to wonder if I am actually capable of loving someone. There was one point in my life where I thought I was in love, and this feeling lasted for quite some time. But upon further reflection, I realized that it wasn't "love" that I was feeling for this person but "longing", which is a quite different emotion. I longed to be with her, even though I knew that it would never work out, no matter how much I wanted it to. I don't think she ever found out, and I'm not sure if I would ever tell her.
The overall point was this: I was trying to figure out if I ever will find that one. Maybe not now at this point in my life, but eventually. It scares me a little bit that so many of my friends are either engaged or already married. A good number of them have moved in together, some of who had only been together for a few weeks. But what about me? When does my time come? Is it true that it comes when you are not looking for it, and if so, how do you not look for it? Something to think about.
Some friend from my former workplace, TOMB, send me a link to an episode of a reality kids game show called FETCH! With Ruff Ruffman. FETCH! was a Boston produced show that aired on PBS for 5 seasons. I have the privilege of interning there for one season, and then being featured in an episode for a future season. I had completely forgotten that I had done that, and it was great to watch it. They posted it online on their website, and I have linked it here (Season 5, Episode 513). Sometime in the next few posts, I'll write a detailed account of how it was to tape it. It was a great time.
Oh, and before I forget, my favorite game series (and a primary influence to why I want to work in game shows) You Don't Know Jack, makes it triumphant return on Feb 8. I can't wait.
The nightmares I have when I sleep are increasingly getting much worse. I don't know why, but I am beginning to think that if something is not done soon, I may start to not sleep. And I can't afford to do that.
I can't think of anything else to write right now. But at least I have double the number of subscribers to this blog...
Peace Out.
Monday, January 10, 2011
FlashBack/FlashForward
It's a brand new year, which means I have a maximum of 12 months to make the most of it. In reality, I'll probably just fritter away a third of it. Let's be honest, Some of my best qualities have to do with procrastination.
Anyway, it looks like the last post I made was in September of last year, and since then there have been some serious events that have happened in my life. Like...
Dancing With The Stars ended back in November. The overall winner was Jennifer Grey, but I'd say the big winner was me. It was hands down the best experience I had working on a production up to that point. I was the backup page for the season, and I was dealing with the VIPs that came to see the show (friends and family of the stars, dancers, and production crew). In that time, I got to meet and interact with some amazing people from different walks of life. Some were super awesome (like the entourage of The Situation), and some were not so much (you were expecting a name weren't you?). But the one thing I'll take away is that no matter where I go, as long as I'm just myself, I can meet some great people and have some great things happen to me. Two of my favorite celebs from the past season were Kyle Massey and Kurt Warner. These two in particular are great examples of what I desire to be like if I were ever famous. They were (and still are) kind, funny, and genuine people who break the stereotype of "celebrity". They truly made working on DWTS a special experience for me. I could go on and on about it, so the last thing I will say is this: Hollywood knows how to throw a ROCKIN' afterparty!
I just returned from a 3 week trip to Boston, and boy did I need that. I had bought my ticket back in October and was counting down the days till I got to go back. It was such a fun time, and it was amazing to see and hang out with my friends again. The duration of this trip was long enough this time around, unlike back in August where I only had 1 week. But that also made it that much harder for me to leave. I love them so much, and it hurts to leave them after getting back together with them for that period of time. It's all good though, because I'll be seeing them again soon. Miss you guys.
On an aside, we got slammed with a blizzard which dropped 15" of snow. It was incredible.
Just prior to leaving for Boston, I had received a call from the offices of The Price Is Right. The position of "Set Production Assistant" had opened up and they wanted to call me in for an interview. Now, I don't squeal. But if I did, that would have been a prime moment to. This would be the "in" that I would need to get into the game show industry. This would be the job that would get me going on my ultimate quest to become a great game show host and producer. This would be the opportunity to not have to wear that red jacket (even if I look great in it).
I had less than 24 hours to prepare for it, as they had called me on a Wednesday night for a Thursday afternoon interview. My resume had not been updated since I had started at CBS, but considering that CBS was the only new job I had been employed to since, it didn't take long to fix it. My major obstacle was trying to overcome my nervousness. I really wanted this job more than anything, and I was afraid that I may not get it. Getting the call was an honor for me; getting the job would be a dream. With the help of some of my great friends, they calmed me down and assured me that I had nothing to worry about because this job was tailored for me.
I had the interview with two of the producers of the show, and we discussed the parameters of the the job and how it would work. Other topics included my goals in life, what some of my favorite game shows are, and how Bristol Palin should have never gotten as far as she did on Dancing With The Stars (that subject alone took 5-8 minutes, and could have its own blog post devoted to it). Though I didn't ask during the interview, I had found out just before I went in who else had interviewed for the job: two of my good friends, one of which was Head Page inside for Price. Even though I showed a lot of confidence, in my mind, I was sure I had lost the job to the Head Page.
The position needed to be filled immediately, which meant that whoever was chosen would start on the following Monday. The next day (Friday) I was scheduled to work a Christmas event on the lot (where I had a brief talk with Joey McIntyre from New Kids On The Block), so I was hoping that the event would take my mind off the job. Surprise: it didn't. We ended midday and I went home. Up until that point, I had not received the call. To calm my nerves, I decided to take a nap (I figured if I was sleeping, I wouldn't be able to think about it). 30 minutes into it, my phone rings. It's The Price Is Right.
As of December 6th, 2010, I am the current Set Production Assistant on The Price Is Right.
The job so far has been great. It is a lot of running around, and I have some big responsibilities to uphold. However, I am with some great people who are there to help and support me. Plus I'm having a fun time watching contestants win prizes. And, yes, Drew Carey is as nice and funny in person as he is on TV. I can't wait to work with him, and the rest of the crew, more as I go along.
So it looks like I'm going to be in Los Angeles for a little while longer. If this job takes me higher, then I will be one of the happiest people you'll ever meet. And if this job ends and nothing comes of it, at least I can say that I achieved a life goal of working on a game show (and one of the greatest at that). Boston was fantastic, and I am ready for the next time I return to it for more debauchery. This new year hopefully will be full of new opportunities for me, with some fun added in there as well.
It's normally at this point where I'll say something about how I should write more in this blog. But I realized that I'll write when I feel like it. Now if more people read this, that just might motive me to do it more often. Other than that, this won't be the last time you hear from me this year.
Peace Out.
Anyway, it looks like the last post I made was in September of last year, and since then there have been some serious events that have happened in my life. Like...
Dancing With The Stars ended back in November. The overall winner was Jennifer Grey, but I'd say the big winner was me. It was hands down the best experience I had working on a production up to that point. I was the backup page for the season, and I was dealing with the VIPs that came to see the show (friends and family of the stars, dancers, and production crew). In that time, I got to meet and interact with some amazing people from different walks of life. Some were super awesome (like the entourage of The Situation), and some were not so much (you were expecting a name weren't you?). But the one thing I'll take away is that no matter where I go, as long as I'm just myself, I can meet some great people and have some great things happen to me. Two of my favorite celebs from the past season were Kyle Massey and Kurt Warner. These two in particular are great examples of what I desire to be like if I were ever famous. They were (and still are) kind, funny, and genuine people who break the stereotype of "celebrity". They truly made working on DWTS a special experience for me. I could go on and on about it, so the last thing I will say is this: Hollywood knows how to throw a ROCKIN' afterparty!
I just returned from a 3 week trip to Boston, and boy did I need that. I had bought my ticket back in October and was counting down the days till I got to go back. It was such a fun time, and it was amazing to see and hang out with my friends again. The duration of this trip was long enough this time around, unlike back in August where I only had 1 week. But that also made it that much harder for me to leave. I love them so much, and it hurts to leave them after getting back together with them for that period of time. It's all good though, because I'll be seeing them again soon. Miss you guys.
On an aside, we got slammed with a blizzard which dropped 15" of snow. It was incredible.
Just prior to leaving for Boston, I had received a call from the offices of The Price Is Right. The position of "Set Production Assistant" had opened up and they wanted to call me in for an interview. Now, I don't squeal. But if I did, that would have been a prime moment to. This would be the "in" that I would need to get into the game show industry. This would be the job that would get me going on my ultimate quest to become a great game show host and producer. This would be the opportunity to not have to wear that red jacket (even if I look great in it).
I had less than 24 hours to prepare for it, as they had called me on a Wednesday night for a Thursday afternoon interview. My resume had not been updated since I had started at CBS, but considering that CBS was the only new job I had been employed to since, it didn't take long to fix it. My major obstacle was trying to overcome my nervousness. I really wanted this job more than anything, and I was afraid that I may not get it. Getting the call was an honor for me; getting the job would be a dream. With the help of some of my great friends, they calmed me down and assured me that I had nothing to worry about because this job was tailored for me.
I had the interview with two of the producers of the show, and we discussed the parameters of the the job and how it would work. Other topics included my goals in life, what some of my favorite game shows are, and how Bristol Palin should have never gotten as far as she did on Dancing With The Stars (that subject alone took 5-8 minutes, and could have its own blog post devoted to it). Though I didn't ask during the interview, I had found out just before I went in who else had interviewed for the job: two of my good friends, one of which was Head Page inside for Price. Even though I showed a lot of confidence, in my mind, I was sure I had lost the job to the Head Page.
The position needed to be filled immediately, which meant that whoever was chosen would start on the following Monday. The next day (Friday) I was scheduled to work a Christmas event on the lot (where I had a brief talk with Joey McIntyre from New Kids On The Block), so I was hoping that the event would take my mind off the job. Surprise: it didn't. We ended midday and I went home. Up until that point, I had not received the call. To calm my nerves, I decided to take a nap (I figured if I was sleeping, I wouldn't be able to think about it). 30 minutes into it, my phone rings. It's The Price Is Right.
As of December 6th, 2010, I am the current Set Production Assistant on The Price Is Right.
The job so far has been great. It is a lot of running around, and I have some big responsibilities to uphold. However, I am with some great people who are there to help and support me. Plus I'm having a fun time watching contestants win prizes. And, yes, Drew Carey is as nice and funny in person as he is on TV. I can't wait to work with him, and the rest of the crew, more as I go along.
So it looks like I'm going to be in Los Angeles for a little while longer. If this job takes me higher, then I will be one of the happiest people you'll ever meet. And if this job ends and nothing comes of it, at least I can say that I achieved a life goal of working on a game show (and one of the greatest at that). Boston was fantastic, and I am ready for the next time I return to it for more debauchery. This new year hopefully will be full of new opportunities for me, with some fun added in there as well.
It's normally at this point where I'll say something about how I should write more in this blog. But I realized that I'll write when I feel like it. Now if more people read this, that just might motive me to do it more often. Other than that, this won't be the last time you hear from me this year.
Peace Out.
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